Why I Keep Repeating Mistakes

I feel numb. I don't feel anything. I don't feel anything. I don't know why i keep repeating the same mistake but i can tell you why i started to gamble.

Here's why:

I'm in dire financial state. In a month time, I've got university next month and i have to work less - which means less money in the bank. I got no saving. So i'm desperate for money. I know only one way that i can make money quick i.e gamble on poker and blackjack. I know that blackjack have a negative expectation (it can't be beaten - unless you use a special money management strategy and you can count cards. You need tons of money to absorb the swings and you have to be a good card counter. Plus, it only works with shoes. Casinos (except in Skycity) nowadays only have continuous shuffling machine which makes counting pointless. Fuck i just talking out of my ass now.....). With poker, I know that i'm good at it - but it requires extra concentration and patience. Once you go on 'tilt' or lose focus, everything can fall apart.

There's another way to make money, to start up my own online business or work extra hours at my physio place. I have avoided doing this for the past week as it would take some effort and occupy a lot of my time. I started doing it and haven't got to finish anything. I know this would make me money. Seems like i was being too lazy.

It seems like i'm taking the short route to riches. Looking back, most of the big mistakes i had was because i looked at the short term. You know, i go buy that lottery ticket or instant scratchie. Pop a few bucks in the poker machine in hope to win a quick grand.

Most of the time i never look at the long term. I know that if i fail in the short term, i always got backup to help me with finance. I know this is not good for me or my family. If i keep on depending on them then i keep on making my mistakes and i know they will bail me out.

The other reason i wanted to make money quick is for validation. I do it to show i off - tell people how good i am playing poker or how quick i made the money. Validation is weakness. It means that you're insecure in yourself so you have to prove that you're good.

In my own little fantasy, i want to buy a big house, have a hot girlfriend, cool car, go on exotic holidays etc to show off to friends and family. But does it really matter?

In the end, when you're 80 yrs old, nobody going to give a shit that you have a big house, a cool sports car and your hot girlfriend will eventually have multiple facial reconstruction that she would like look a half breed version of Madonna and your hairy ass. I'm not sure what to do here but fuck, i need to change something.